So, today I went to have coffee, and the barman told me the appliance phase for UFRGS, the federal university I was studying the whole year for and had a pretty high chance of being approved, met it's end yesterday.

It started day 18, ended yesterday.

Mainly, I want to die.
It's the sixth year of my life that I lose, that'smore than 25% of it. My IQ is way higher than the normal, my effort was way higherthan normal, but my enemy is only myself.
I thought I'd have 10 days to apply. In fact, I forgot about it entirely.
It's over. Everything.

I won't be able to keep any promises I did, and seriously,after all this, I don't consider myself worthy of trying anymore. After all, if I'm this kind of junk, there's no way I should aim that high,there's no way I should want to move that far,no way I should like someone so good.

I'm just trash, that's it.

For now,I don't know what to do,I have work in the afternoon still, but I'll skip classes and go home to sleep, and probably argue with mother. Because I can't cry to her,right now I can't even cry to myself,I'm so angry and frustrated! It's not even the first time I do this.The first time, I lied to my mother that I did apply but the confirmation never came. Later she got proof I was lying, though it was obvious.Im just no good at lying like that, specially since it was all my fault. Two years later, I did it again. I remember how I fought with mom because she said I was trash. And now I don't have even an "i'll improve, i'll be serious" to add anymore.

I'm just a fucking failure for all that I know.

I can't talk to anyone, cause there's no one here to hear, so why I'm posting this crap here.

I won't kill myself, since I'm not that kind of suicidal,but I wish I could torture myselfphysically if that granted me the chance to enter the exams as if I'd applied on time.

Sorry Anna,maybe I'll go there visit someday or whatever, or never will. I'm finally starting to believe that I'm not capable of anything, and not just fearing that. I wanted much more than visiting, but I'm just no good, you were right on becomingdistant from me so I wouldn't bring you down more.

I just wanna lay in my room in the dark and wait for my death, like I did for 20 months, but I won't quit work. I won't quit anything. I'll live to live, I guess. That's what I get forcalling everyone stupid, ingorant,that they never acted though they knew something was wrong. Cause in the end, I knew far more than them, and did much less.

Mauro. Probably returning someday soon,as far as I know myself, probably.